A Rhinoceros, hyena and hippopotamus walk into a Lansdale bar . . .

Thursday, January 21

Yes, I took this photo.  And was this close to a hippo.
With no barrier.  Ask me about it!

If I started a joke with the line, “A Rhinoceros, hyena and hippopotamus walk into a Lansdale bar . . .” you would know that the scenario would be impossible.

Because it’s illegal.

Yes, folks.  My searching around Lansdale has found that there is a long list of animals we are barred from having in our borough.  It’s the law.

What started me on this hunt?  As you may have noticed, we eat lots of eggs.  But it’s okay.  Ken takes cholesterol medicine, and I just read the articles that say that eggs are, once again, good for you.  They used to be killers.  But are edible again.

So I say to myself, “Why not cut out the middle man and raise chickens in my back yard?  Mmmmm.  Fresh eggs.”

Before I start looking for a Lansdale store that sells chicken coops, I thought it might be prudent to check our borough code.  It’s easy to do.  It’s on-line:  CLICKHERE to view the Lansdale Borough code book.

Search for Chapter 48.  Animals.

Section 48-12 tells you all of the animals that are prohibited in the borough:

No person is permitted to maintain, keep or possess within the Borough any of the following animals, which classification shall be broadly construed:

(1)  All poisonous animals.

(2)  Apes: chimpanzees (Pan), gibbons (Hylobates), gorillas (Gorilla), orangutans (Pongo) and siamangs (Symphalangus).

(3)  Baboons (Papio, mandrillus).

(4)  Bears (Ursidae).

(5)  Bison (Bison bison).

(6)  Cheetahs (Acinonyx jubatus).

(7)  Coyotes (Canis latrans).

(8)  Crocodilians (Crocodilia) 30 inches in length or more.

(9)  Deer (Cervidae), includes all members of the deer family, for example, white-tailed deer, elk, antelopes, moose.

(10)  Elephants (Elephas and Loxodonta).

(11)  Game cocks, i.e., fighting birds.

(12)  Hippopotamuses (Hippopotamidae).

(13)  Hogs.

(14)  Hyenas (Hyaenidae).

(15)  Jaguars (Panthera onca).

(16)  Leopards (Panthera pardus).

(17)  Lions (Panthera leo).

(18)  Lynxes (Lynx).

(19)  Monkeys, old world (Cercopithecidae).

(20)  Ostriches (Struthio).

(21)  Pigs.

(22)  Piranha fish (Characidae).

(23)  Poultry (ducks, chickens, swans, geese, turkeys and guinea fowl), except as permitted in § 48-5.

(24)  Pumas (Felis concolor), also known as "cougars," "mountain lions" and "panthers."

(25)  Rhinoceroses (Rhinocerotidae).

(26)  Sharks (class Chondrichthyes).

(27)  Snakes which are poisonous, nonpoisonous or constrictor.

(28)  Snow leopards (Panthera uncia).

(29)  Swine (Suidae).

(30)  Tigers (Panthera tigris).

(31)  Wolves (Canis lupus).

Dammit.  Right there.  #23.  No chickens.

There goes my fresh egg fantasy.

But the law also doesn’t allow for the rhinoceros, hyena and hippopotamus scenario.  They are banned, too.

As is an animal that I actually had to go and look up.   Siamang?  Never heard of that one.

Do I quibble a bit about #12?  Hippopotamuses?  I always thought it was Hippopotami.  The only place I had heard Hippopotamuses before was in my least-like Christmas song:  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas.  

Where, at one point in the song Gayla Peevey pluralizes the hippo as hippopotamuses.  Because she needed to rhyme something with rhinoceroses.

Double dammit!  Now I will not be able to get that song out of my head for the rest of the day!

And then oxforddictionaries.com tells me, “ . . . the plural hippopotami is now generally taken to be either funny or absurdly pedantic, and the usual plural is hippopotamuses.”

Absurdly pedantic?  I think I’ll go with funny.

This section of the borough code is most helpful.  In section 14 I learned that I can keep a coatimundi (requiring a trip to Wikipedia) if I have a permit.  Or a crocodile that is under 30 inches. Or a jaguarondi (another trip to Wikipedia).  Or a kinkajou (I should just keep the Wikipedia page open).  Or a margay (what would I do without Wikipedia?).

I’m not sure about you, but I think I would rest easier if I knew my neighbors didn’t have coatimundis, crocodiles, jaguarondis, kinkajous or margays running around.

As it turns out, the code tells us you have to have five acres to keep those animals.  Whew.

Gratuitous picture of my cat, Schrodinger

But I do have animals.  From the permitted list.  Cats.

Now cats are interesting creatures.  Every day you put a few ounces of food in them.  And they reward you with three times that weight in feces.  Yes.  We are talking cat feces.  Feces that get buried in ten times their weight of kitty litter.

And it’s time to go and buy more kitty litter.  For two reasons.  First, the cats are going to be pooping.  And I also hear a rumor that we are in for a big snow storm.

For all you non-cat owners – kitty litter is pretty versatile.  The regular kind is a great traction aid.  It has gotten me out of snow or mud on more than one occasion.  Keep a bag or two in the trunk, just in case.

The clumping kind of litter is great for solidifying old cans of paint.  You’re not allowed to throw out cans of liquid paint – but make it solid and you can!

I usually buy my kitty litter at one of those big box pet stores.  But now that I’m trying to shop in the borough, it’s time to go to Pets Plus in the Pavilion on South Broad.  Since they remodeled, it’s really an attractive store.  You may remember when it was a carpeted store.  Well, stores that allow dogs shouldn’t be carpeted.  The store used to have an odor.  No more, with the nice wood laminate flooring!

So we go to the kitty litter aisle.  Lots to choose from.  But no 40 pound bags of non-clumping litter. 

The good stuff without the dust.  Could they be sold out?  There is a shelf that is full of nothing.  Could snow storm crazed shoppers have added kitty litter to their list of eggs, milk and bread?

We ask a very helpful clerk.  Who tells us they are not out.  They just don’t stock it.

A pet store that doesn’t stock big bags of regular kitty litter?  I’m shocked.  So I send Ken to a pet store outside of the borough.

Not too sure how to score this one.  I tried.  But it’s going to be:

Lansdale Shopping Score:  Zero (I would have if I could have, but it’s something not available in the borough)

Since Ken is going to be out if the borough, and in Montgomeryville, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

But not in the pet store!  Do that, and they will never let you back in.

I have a Chipotle gift card.  And I’m not afraid to use it.  I give it to Ken and tell him to bring back lunch.  A nice chicken burrito with rice, beans, tomato and guacamole.  Hold the e-Coli.

Lansdale Shopping Score:  Zero (But I could have)

Now – if you read yesterday’s post about marketing, here’s an interesting follow up.  Ken got his meal for free.  When they went to put the lid on his burrito bowl, it had a special sticker on it that rewarded him with a free meal.

Nice surprise!  One that has left me feeling good about Chipotle, and making me want to go back.  Because I KNOW I can win another free meal.  (Have a gambling problem?  Call 1-800-GAMBLER.)

A late dinner at a place we’ve visited before.  The Lansdale Tavern.  If we were a TV network, this would be our Cheers.  Our friendly waitress remembers the kind of beer we drink.  We ran into a neighbor who was having a nice dinner while grading school papers. 

And I had a great meal.  The General Tso’s Chicken Wrap with onions and peppers.  A decidedly

American rift on a classic Chinese dish.  It was excellent.  So good, it should be on the regular menu.  I’m told (and will have to test this out) that you can order it even if it’s not on the special board.  Do so – it’s that good.

Great food, friendly ambiance, but no rhinoceros, hyena or hippopotamus in sight.

So, today’s score:

ONE opportunity to shop/eat in Lansdale met.

ONE need met outside the borough when I could have stayed here

ONE need not fulfilled by a Lansdale establishment.

Let’s see what today brings!